........

So I am back! Yes to myself.
This time another blunder to share in life; yes I would like to call it a risk that backfired. Yes last that I touched base on with you, I was in a relationship with a married man and that was 2 years ago.
Yes the relationship survived... or I can say have been crawling since April, but took out absolute new turn in the month if June. Not to get you excited for the wrong reasons; he is still with his wife and daughter. he has not done anything significant for the relationship. It's just that when we meet, it's good sex and we talk almost everyday. Yes we claim to be in love with each other and wanting to live our lives together.
 in the middle of all this happening life; I met a person, who turned out to be a client in the beginning and then a friend. That was what was happening from my front. There was healthy amount of flirting from both the sides; which I felt was harmless ( not knowing the rules of the relationship; that if you are with someone then you can't be friends with the other man and especially no flirting- that's a NO,NO).
So my married man and I have been having our set of ups and downs, where there is nothing to talk about apart from the mundane things what did you eat and how was your day. He and I have some how stop sharing since April; or probably we have nothing to say to each other. I have tried to have conversations but it doesn't lead to anything substantial. So the monotony seeps in the relationship. I must have forgotten to mention that the married man in relationship is also a long distance relationship. As if life had more ways to twist the relationship; so ideally we meet once in three months or so.
So all this is happening and I go to Chennai for work, nothing particular in mind; in terms to the newly friendship I have acquired. it's nice to talk to someone who can talk and not judge or sound so loaded. Most of the time 80% the conversation has been about him and his family or what he is dealing with and I am just a listener or an observer; nothing more to that. But somehow their is unbearable lightness in it. Me and my man used to be like that, we could have conversations about anything in the world...but things have changed...probably I lost my sheen. The man claims that he can still share everything with me... but the question is "why not me?" Why have I stopped sharing anything and everything? I wonder why?
Then I think is it me? or Us?
So Like I was saying I go to Chennai and meet up with him, there is nothing happening in the heart side; certainly their is excitement of meeting someone new, but that's it. We discuss the world and business, but shadows of physical attraction can be felt. I am very clear to mention that I am not interested in any of this. But surprising I never tell this friend about my Man ( now when I think about this, i wonder why would i not tell this friend about the Man, even after him asking about it? So what were my intentions? Were they already flawed? Never know what i was trying to achieve or prove to myself) have not found answers to it yet.
Then while dropping me home this idea pops into his head about sleeping together and finding out that "are we each other's soul mate? To me it sounds like a fair one, as it would give us clarity and then in life we can move forward; and would not have to hover around this stupidity.
So it's a yes and we get into the room, it starts and I freeze and go dry completely.... like the body tells you sorry not supporting you in this decision. It last for a minute or so, where he is trying hard to put his fingers in and out, feels hilarious. Sadly the moment i saw his instrument something snapped; again no offence as i have witnessed the worst, but it just stopped. So he finished his business and I asked him to get out of the place as i could not breathe.
One thing was clear that this was never going to happen again, and we were sure we would not be indulging into this. i am relived that it is over, so to move no. Just like washing hands as random as that.
Now the most interesting story comes in play... my man meets me after three months, pulls my phone and starts looking at the photos and asks who is this? And so on..... Then looks at the friend's photo and gives me a look. Me being me i cry out loud of the shit I have done.... Think of the day that i will be able to share it with him. But hang on; that chance doesn't come after all. My macho Man, hacks my phone and the next day has a blast on my expense
Yes blown out of proportion. So my Man is burning with anger and what a wrath that he is capable of throwing at; amazes me.... actually what he did was to take off my clothes in the middle of the road and fuck me over and over and over.......
Made sure all my friends knew about it and that i don't have a face to show to anybody. This stripping went on for days to come, he was wallowing in self hurt and pity. Sitting broken down with the pieces of his ego and failure staring at him.The question asked repeatedly was why did you do this, in spite of me loving you so much?, It was a mistake, I had answered from the grave of my thoughts, doing and even my personality.
The five days of rape have broken me down in so many pieces, that i don't even know. Actually some pieces are lost forever now. they are gone and I have no way to bring them back.

I lost everything.....My man, friend, and myself.

married man

I have fallen in love for a married man, yes have made that mistake. Please don't judge me as I have stopped judging myself. 
With a broken marriage and several broken relationships, I was really for past couple of years enjoying myself as a single person. 3 , 4 years of being single did a lot of good on my self esteem. And for the first time I was doing my number without being really bothered about anyone else.

But as I said I lost my heart and soul to a married man. Or rather found myself in a married man's company. And man it hurts, its not the guilt that pinches but its his family and when he mentions about them and the feelings that he has for them.... I don't know how to respond. As he has a great marriage, nothing wrong in it, but then my curious mind begins to wonder what is the man doing with me. Where do I stand? And if you have been in my place fortunately or unfortunately you know what I mean.  This question always comes up and I actually find no answer to it.
It's no that the man does not love you but he also loves his wife...we are supposed to share him... so much for sharing is caring.

  In a day I go through a wide spectrum of emotions, so now you would have understood the rules of the game or this relationship and i.e no call at home, only office time, no call on the holidays and it's the man who can call you as and when he finds it safe for him ( no complains about not calling or silent Skype, which he does even on holiday). So I was talking about emotions, so when the day starts I pray and I am hopeful that he would leave his wife and child and come into my arms(as if I am the most happening women in the world) but I still don't look down on myself and think he will come, so the day starts with his call and Skype session, its a nice morning and then the day goes by talking about work, feelings and our desires....by the time we reach the evening and it's time to say good bye my heart starts to panic and then if by mistake we talk about our wants to be together.... I don't get an answer. I know , I know what can a man say, he has told me very clearly that he can't break anyone's heart and cannot see his daughter unhappy, there are emotions about his wife as well, how does it make me feel? sad, hopeless and alone rather very alone. And then I laugh at the game that the Almighty has decided to play with me. In some moments the man says give me some time and I will come, everything will happen and then I try to tell my over active mind that see leave it to the Almighty and he will sort it out for you. Surrender Surrender... for most of the time in the day it happens and then suddenly it slips away and I start thinking. I feel angry, loved, I want attention, want him to sometimes prove it to me that he loves me more, I feel Horny, I want to make out with him and not stop. Then I wonder why can't we get things the way it is, why some script player has to bring in all the twist and turns.

But helpless as my emotions I shut myself and keep quite. In love with a married man, why he had to be married? Why couldn't  matters be simpler.... probably he makes me feel special and I am also growing old...and sometimes the fear of being alone also creeps in. As I was talking about emotions, I am getting more and more irritated with the situation and my helplessness. I assume that I have been always in control of the situation, but in the presentation situation I have no control at all. I in the truest manner have given the control to the higher power.... which is like giving your car for someone else to drive willingly or unwillingly, while you sit in front with him. Scary ....... So as you would have realized that I have been a little control freak, demanding women, but that's who I am, I am so called  strong women as well, but this relationship is an eye opener for me and `I have realized in the past months the I am actually not strong as I pretended to be for so many years. I am a below average women who actually can't handle her emotions as it is all over the place.

Me and Me.......

आज  फिर मै तनहा हूँ ,
 क्यों ?
क्या ज़िन्दगी  गलत जी ?
क्या मिला मुझे ,
 सिर्फ़  तन्हाई
और अँधेरा 

Life Is Such A Pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like seen everything and done almost everything.......but then life each time surprises us and throws us in a twister. Whenever I have felt like now I am settling down the carpet under my feet is pulled over and sadly I fall down.
And then the rut to get up again and stand, get things going for you and BOOM it happens again.
After so many years life feels like a painful never ending ordeal.

Waiting for a change or I would say make the change......

lost the spark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in the deepest of shit. I have not been able to finish any writing work, no ideas, it's blank. I used to have nice ideas in me, could think of lovely new, smart, fresh ideas; but now I think it is all gone.

Man it is so frustrating point in life, that I have not been able to finish any work, interview went bad, as I did horribly wrong. It has been very disappointing in life, I am 35yr, can't think out of the box, go crazy trying to think; if I let go no thoughts come anyways.

It frustrate's me, I know I had it, not that I haven't done it, but now nothing. No creative spark, no money, I feel like killing myself, which i know will not solve the problem.

I am just cooking and nothing else, where life has come to?

How long will we go like this???????????????????????????????

life felt complete and one day I woke up,

opened my eyes......................

hands were empty, arms were lonely,

eyes were lonely................................

And then I realized life's real face, it was staring back at me.

lonely

I have never thought about life...............

Whatever came my way I took it in my stride, sometimes I fell down, sometimes I got used, sometimes I was taken for a ride; but I always got back and fought hard, played harder, put all my efforts and stood on y on feet.

After 35 yrs of doing this, now I feel cheated by life, my own perception is not the problem, as I thought.

Surprisingly the choices I have made have been all wrong; and thats the reason why I feel the way I feel.

Lonely, yes very lonely, nobody to really connect with, I know everything is momentary, and things change with time; but for me..............................nothing will ever change,

people around me will change, situations will change,

but me being lonely will never change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who are we???????????????????

who are we?

How many of us can answer that ? I mean really find an answer?

I have been searching for that answer and going on with it............................

Red books, heard the so called gurus...but ................. no answer.

What are we doing? And why are we doing things that we do? To get satisfaction? or because we like doing things..................it can't be that simple? I doubt...

People look happy, are they really happy? Everything is deception, everything around us is false, an illusion, whether you live in New York or in the remotest part of the country, who are we and where are we going?

Think about it, and if you have found your answer please share it.

Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just noticed that there was ME and not I, most of the time had problems with" I" in life, and suddenly there was no I, it surprised me and made me ponder about how can one even live without it? Won't one miss it? It's been part of my life for such a long time and dropping it, just like that, didn't look very good? At least it deserved my last good bye.

There something which kept telling me it's a set up, "I" can't go so easily from anyones system.

I knew one thing that if I tried harder, I will get stuck .

Now Ia really stuck..................................

awake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

being awake can be because I am not getting any sleep, simple, I know, but a I really awake, awake means consciousness, am I ?

"Are you?" I ask myself again, but don't get any answer. Because there is no answer,

I know the feeling of being awake, when I was in the ashram, yes I know I was alive, full of life. But now things are slipping from my hand, it is like catching sand in your fist, can we really make any feeling. I remember Mohan Rakesh's "Shayad"; the man keeps telling his wife, no feeling holds an impression in mind or heart, it entertain's you only for some time, say may be an hour or so, but there is nothing which makes one feels complete.

life at this point looks and feels like "Shayad"; there is nothing which is flowing in life, no complains, no regrets, but there is a but in life.

 hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle         bohot  nikle  mere  armaaN  lekin  fir  bhee  kam  nikle

nikalna KHuld se aadam ka sunte aayaiN haiN lekin

        bohot  be_aabru hokar tere  kooche  se  ham nikle

feeling fuzzy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have been feeling fuzzy lately, very weird feeling. Feel stuck, very badly.. the situation doesn't seem to change, every where it feels like walls surrounding me, with no out let.

I always wishfully thought one can never get stuck in a place, there are always doors that we can open and solve the problem .... but what i have witnessed lately is that we sometimes don't want to open those doors, even though we know we will get free from there, we still never muster up so much courage to open the door. The process is what scares us and we keep on living in this anticipation that the door full of solutions will open on its own.

Sadly I don't have to open any doors, all my doors are opened and they are clear, as I have the courage to call a spade a spade and sometimes more, so I don't live to please any one, I say NO when it is required. But the problem is someone close to me, have been living in this wishful belief that one day things will be alright....dreams and only dreams, innocence to some extend... but afterwards it becomes ignorance..... not wanting to deal with the situation head on. He is not one of those who have ever dealt with any thing head on, expect me, that is also because I tend to stand on his head, and he cannot avoid me.

But sometimes I think, does it make me a bad person?

Maybe I am an arrogant and self centered bitch......................................

Mr.M!

Hey,

lately life has been very monotonous and stagnant, even though I have been moving form one place to the other physically, mentally there has been no movement.

I saw Mr. M's photos, and a lot reminded of my situation, or I should say I could relate to so many of them.

I loved the "lost tea series"; it reminded me of the things I had lost, the way things around me had changed. If the hand felt like the survival of a lost soul, the feet were the clear perspective of the world after the storm.

Mr.M you are doing a fantastic job, making lots of connections with the lost souls and the lost world.

Looking forward to see more...................................................

emptiness

feel dumb

I look weird, I am 34 plus, what have I been doing all my life? I know it is a stupid question?

Is it? Do I miss myself? Who am I? Have we really found wt we have been looking for and what r we looking for?

remembering the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was same time of the year, diwali, but it was some years back, looks like it was a century back, the air was chilly and the there was some kind of strange sweetness in the air, every where I looked I saw maroon wave, in the evening it became starry white, we looked like angels in universe, with little lamps ever where, it was the most beautiful time of my life.

It seemed like the time had stood still, everything around the universe was moving, but I was still, and my master was with me holding my hand. Hand in hand we walked together, that walk was the walk of my life, where everything got cleansed, all my demons cleared, all I felt was rush of happiness and joy which I could not even hold, all I could do was to express it through tears. I had never felt this lite in my life, it felt like I was floating in the air, the feeling of being levitated. nothing bothered me, it didn't matter whether I was rich or poor, or where I stood in my career, nothing mattered. It was the ultimate bliss one feels, nothing around you mattered.

muje aaj kaal kuch samaj nahi aata

i love my soul mate, soul mate does not mean that things should be the same with us, they are definitely not the same, we don't have lots of things in common, but we appreciate each other and respect things. The friction starts when we don't stay connected, the moment connection breaks, we go our own ways, throwing negative emotions at each other.

Does our love become less? i don't think so, we come back stronger and more involved. i love this man and I have no doubts abt it, some days are full of double rainbows, some days are cold and wet, but mostly we try to stay afloat from all the negativities.

That's how the modern love story goes..............................................................................

me and the feeling of no-thingness

i am 34 yrs old, when i look back, what do i see?

Nothing.... actually nothing, it is not about what you have achieved in life, what you have gained? it sounds like you are talking about a business, is life a deal? How much you have done or not done? Does it count? I have heared from people that do good Karma, don't do bad karma. who actually sees how good am i really doing?

You and your conscious? That is absolutely crap, nothing matters to people, they live in there own world of do's and don'ts. At the end of the day we are doing good karma, because we don't want anything bad to happen to us, if that was not the case; then things around us, or rather people around us would be different. We all live in a lie, scared of things turning against us. So are we really living? true to our nature? Everything around us is false.

Past couple of days,I have been noticing that i am standing outside the circle, specially today when I was walking down the stayres of the studio, I saw that there was some one else, going down the stairs not me, it was a very lucid feeling, it did not last for a long time, but I know it was there.

For past few days I feel I am going back to my Osho days the days of living on the edge and witnessing everything from outside, but a time came I got caught up in life's very mundane things, or was just trying to be different and very egoistic. I n when own ego I dug my grave, now I understand what Osho always say, ego is death.

But now I am again feeling that I have come back to my guru, had gone on a wrong path and have now comeback. Everyday feels like I am living in trans.........................nothing is for real, sometime I check my feet, wondering if they are on ground or not. I know my inner cleansing process has begun.

this morning

this morning is not different than any, but some how today I feel is the day that I will finally be abe to decide which shloka I want to get a tattoo of, be wanting to do something for my hand but not been able to decide. But today is going to be the day.

Why amI getting another tattoo, i already have five of them? I think being on the skin might remind me why i am here for, sure there has to be a greatre reason for my being, I want to do jus live and die, I want to understand y, as well. The tattoo as like meditation, and small small enlightment which keeps on happening, to remind u of who u are or why u are there. Wt stays with you, and what disapperes.

So today is the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iam a mother of a yr and a half old boy, wonder why "he" as aperson came in to our lives, cud be that v hav past life connection, or cud be that there is no reason behind all these things and I am jus breaking my head. but jus think abt it we meet people and with some people v gel so well and some jus come into our lives and then fade away, then they are couple of those who remain with us through out our lives. We share our love, happiness, sorrow, fights, dreams, everything with them, there has to be some connection of our past life with them they we love them so much.