lonely

I have never thought about life...............

Whatever came my way I took it in my stride, sometimes I fell down, sometimes I got used, sometimes I was taken for a ride; but I always got back and fought hard, played harder, put all my efforts and stood on y on feet.

After 35 yrs of doing this, now I feel cheated by life, my own perception is not the problem, as I thought.

Surprisingly the choices I have made have been all wrong; and thats the reason why I feel the way I feel.

Lonely, yes very lonely, nobody to really connect with, I know everything is momentary, and things change with time; but for me..............................nothing will ever change,

people around me will change, situations will change,

but me being lonely will never change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who are we???????????????????

who are we?

How many of us can answer that ? I mean really find an answer?

I have been searching for that answer and going on with it............................

Red books, heard the so called gurus...but ................. no answer.

What are we doing? And why are we doing things that we do? To get satisfaction? or because we like doing things..................it can't be that simple? I doubt...

People look happy, are they really happy? Everything is deception, everything around us is false, an illusion, whether you live in New York or in the remotest part of the country, who are we and where are we going?

Think about it, and if you have found your answer please share it.

Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just noticed that there was ME and not I, most of the time had problems with" I" in life, and suddenly there was no I, it surprised me and made me ponder about how can one even live without it? Won't one miss it? It's been part of my life for such a long time and dropping it, just like that, didn't look very good? At least it deserved my last good bye.

There something which kept telling me it's a set up, "I" can't go so easily from anyones system.

I knew one thing that if I tried harder, I will get stuck .

Now Ia really stuck..................................

awake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

being awake can be because I am not getting any sleep, simple, I know, but a I really awake, awake means consciousness, am I ?

"Are you?" I ask myself again, but don't get any answer. Because there is no answer,

I know the feeling of being awake, when I was in the ashram, yes I know I was alive, full of life. But now things are slipping from my hand, it is like catching sand in your fist, can we really make any feeling. I remember Mohan Rakesh's "Shayad"; the man keeps telling his wife, no feeling holds an impression in mind or heart, it entertain's you only for some time, say may be an hour or so, but there is nothing which makes one feels complete.

life at this point looks and feels like "Shayad"; there is nothing which is flowing in life, no complains, no regrets, but there is a but in life.

 hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle         bohot  nikle  mere  armaaN  lekin  fir  bhee  kam  nikle

nikalna KHuld se aadam ka sunte aayaiN haiN lekin

        bohot  be_aabru hokar tere  kooche  se  ham nikle

feeling fuzzy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have been feeling fuzzy lately, very weird feeling. Feel stuck, very badly.. the situation doesn't seem to change, every where it feels like walls surrounding me, with no out let.

I always wishfully thought one can never get stuck in a place, there are always doors that we can open and solve the problem .... but what i have witnessed lately is that we sometimes don't want to open those doors, even though we know we will get free from there, we still never muster up so much courage to open the door. The process is what scares us and we keep on living in this anticipation that the door full of solutions will open on its own.

Sadly I don't have to open any doors, all my doors are opened and they are clear, as I have the courage to call a spade a spade and sometimes more, so I don't live to please any one, I say NO when it is required. But the problem is someone close to me, have been living in this wishful belief that one day things will be alright....dreams and only dreams, innocence to some extend... but afterwards it becomes ignorance..... not wanting to deal with the situation head on. He is not one of those who have ever dealt with any thing head on, expect me, that is also because I tend to stand on his head, and he cannot avoid me.

But sometimes I think, does it make me a bad person?

Maybe I am an arrogant and self centered bitch......................................

Mr.M!

Hey,

lately life has been very monotonous and stagnant, even though I have been moving form one place to the other physically, mentally there has been no movement.

I saw Mr. M's photos, and a lot reminded of my situation, or I should say I could relate to so many of them.

I loved the "lost tea series"; it reminded me of the things I had lost, the way things around me had changed. If the hand felt like the survival of a lost soul, the feet were the clear perspective of the world after the storm.

Mr.M you are doing a fantastic job, making lots of connections with the lost souls and the lost world.

Looking forward to see more...................................................

emptiness

feel dumb

I look weird, I am 34 plus, what have I been doing all my life? I know it is a stupid question?

Is it? Do I miss myself? Who am I? Have we really found wt we have been looking for and what r we looking for?