I have fallen in love for a married man, yes have made that mistake. Please don't judge me as I have stopped judging myself.
With a broken marriage and several broken relationships, I was really for past couple of years enjoying myself as a single person. 3 , 4 years of being single did a lot of good on my self esteem. And for the first time I was doing my number without being really bothered about anyone else.
But as I said I lost my heart and soul to a married man. Or rather found myself in a married man's company. And man it hurts, its not the guilt that pinches but its his family and when he mentions about them and the feelings that he has for them.... I don't know how to respond. As he has a great marriage, nothing wrong in it, but then my curious mind begins to wonder what is the man doing with me. Where do I stand? And if you have been in my place fortunately or unfortunately you know what I mean. This question always comes up and I actually find no answer to it.
It's no that the man does not love you but he also loves his wife...we are supposed to share him... so much for sharing is caring.
In a day I go through a wide spectrum of emotions, so now you would have understood the rules of the game or this relationship and i.e no call at home, only office time, no call on the holidays and it's the man who can call you as and when he finds it safe for him ( no complains about not calling or silent Skype, which he does even on holiday). So I was talking about emotions, so when the day starts I pray and I am hopeful that he would leave his wife and child and come into my arms(as if I am the most happening women in the world) but I still don't look down on myself and think he will come, so the day starts with his call and Skype session, its a nice morning and then the day goes by talking about work, feelings and our desires....by the time we reach the evening and it's time to say good bye my heart starts to panic and then if by mistake we talk about our wants to be together.... I don't get an answer. I know , I know what can a man say, he has told me very clearly that he can't break anyone's heart and cannot see his daughter unhappy, there are emotions about his wife as well, how does it make me feel? sad, hopeless and alone rather very alone. And then I laugh at the game that the Almighty has decided to play with me. In some moments the man says give me some time and I will come, everything will happen and then I try to tell my over active mind that see leave it to the Almighty and he will sort it out for you. Surrender Surrender... for most of the time in the day it happens and then suddenly it slips away and I start thinking. I feel angry, loved, I want attention, want him to sometimes prove it to me that he loves me more, I feel Horny, I want to make out with him and not stop. Then I wonder why can't we get things the way it is, why some script player has to bring in all the twist and turns.
But helpless as my emotions I shut myself and keep quite. In love with a married man, why he had to be married? Why couldn't matters be simpler.... probably he makes me feel special and I am also growing old...and sometimes the fear of being alone also creeps in. As I was talking about emotions, I am getting more and more irritated with the situation and my helplessness. I assume that I have been always in control of the situation, but in the presentation situation I have no control at all. I in the truest manner have given the control to the higher power.... which is like giving your car for someone else to drive willingly or unwillingly, while you sit in front with him. Scary ....... So as you would have realized that I have been a little control freak, demanding women, but that's who I am, I am so called strong women as well, but this relationship is an eye opener for me and `I have realized in the past months the I am actually not strong as I pretended to be for so many years. I am a below average women who actually can't handle her emotions as it is all over the place.
With a broken marriage and several broken relationships, I was really for past couple of years enjoying myself as a single person. 3 , 4 years of being single did a lot of good on my self esteem. And for the first time I was doing my number without being really bothered about anyone else.
But as I said I lost my heart and soul to a married man. Or rather found myself in a married man's company. And man it hurts, its not the guilt that pinches but its his family and when he mentions about them and the feelings that he has for them.... I don't know how to respond. As he has a great marriage, nothing wrong in it, but then my curious mind begins to wonder what is the man doing with me. Where do I stand? And if you have been in my place fortunately or unfortunately you know what I mean. This question always comes up and I actually find no answer to it.
It's no that the man does not love you but he also loves his wife...we are supposed to share him... so much for sharing is caring.
In a day I go through a wide spectrum of emotions, so now you would have understood the rules of the game or this relationship and i.e no call at home, only office time, no call on the holidays and it's the man who can call you as and when he finds it safe for him ( no complains about not calling or silent Skype, which he does even on holiday). So I was talking about emotions, so when the day starts I pray and I am hopeful that he would leave his wife and child and come into my arms(as if I am the most happening women in the world) but I still don't look down on myself and think he will come, so the day starts with his call and Skype session, its a nice morning and then the day goes by talking about work, feelings and our desires....by the time we reach the evening and it's time to say good bye my heart starts to panic and then if by mistake we talk about our wants to be together.... I don't get an answer. I know , I know what can a man say, he has told me very clearly that he can't break anyone's heart and cannot see his daughter unhappy, there are emotions about his wife as well, how does it make me feel? sad, hopeless and alone rather very alone. And then I laugh at the game that the Almighty has decided to play with me. In some moments the man says give me some time and I will come, everything will happen and then I try to tell my over active mind that see leave it to the Almighty and he will sort it out for you. Surrender Surrender... for most of the time in the day it happens and then suddenly it slips away and I start thinking. I feel angry, loved, I want attention, want him to sometimes prove it to me that he loves me more, I feel Horny, I want to make out with him and not stop. Then I wonder why can't we get things the way it is, why some script player has to bring in all the twist and turns.
But helpless as my emotions I shut myself and keep quite. In love with a married man, why he had to be married? Why couldn't matters be simpler.... probably he makes me feel special and I am also growing old...and sometimes the fear of being alone also creeps in. As I was talking about emotions, I am getting more and more irritated with the situation and my helplessness. I assume that I have been always in control of the situation, but in the presentation situation I have no control at all. I in the truest manner have given the control to the higher power.... which is like giving your car for someone else to drive willingly or unwillingly, while you sit in front with him. Scary ....... So as you would have realized that I have been a little control freak, demanding women, but that's who I am, I am so called strong women as well, but this relationship is an eye opener for me and `I have realized in the past months the I am actually not strong as I pretended to be for so many years. I am a below average women who actually can't handle her emotions as it is all over the place.
