........

So I am back! Yes to myself.
This time another blunder to share in life; yes I would like to call it a risk that backfired. Yes last that I touched base on with you, I was in a relationship with a married man and that was 2 years ago.
Yes the relationship survived... or I can say have been crawling since April, but took out absolute new turn in the month if June. Not to get you excited for the wrong reasons; he is still with his wife and daughter. he has not done anything significant for the relationship. It's just that when we meet, it's good sex and we talk almost everyday. Yes we claim to be in love with each other and wanting to live our lives together.
 in the middle of all this happening life; I met a person, who turned out to be a client in the beginning and then a friend. That was what was happening from my front. There was healthy amount of flirting from both the sides; which I felt was harmless ( not knowing the rules of the relationship; that if you are with someone then you can't be friends with the other man and especially no flirting- that's a NO,NO).
So my married man and I have been having our set of ups and downs, where there is nothing to talk about apart from the mundane things what did you eat and how was your day. He and I have some how stop sharing since April; or probably we have nothing to say to each other. I have tried to have conversations but it doesn't lead to anything substantial. So the monotony seeps in the relationship. I must have forgotten to mention that the married man in relationship is also a long distance relationship. As if life had more ways to twist the relationship; so ideally we meet once in three months or so.
So all this is happening and I go to Chennai for work, nothing particular in mind; in terms to the newly friendship I have acquired. it's nice to talk to someone who can talk and not judge or sound so loaded. Most of the time 80% the conversation has been about him and his family or what he is dealing with and I am just a listener or an observer; nothing more to that. But somehow their is unbearable lightness in it. Me and my man used to be like that, we could have conversations about anything in the world...but things have changed...probably I lost my sheen. The man claims that he can still share everything with me... but the question is "why not me?" Why have I stopped sharing anything and everything? I wonder why?
Then I think is it me? or Us?
So Like I was saying I go to Chennai and meet up with him, there is nothing happening in the heart side; certainly their is excitement of meeting someone new, but that's it. We discuss the world and business, but shadows of physical attraction can be felt. I am very clear to mention that I am not interested in any of this. But surprising I never tell this friend about my Man ( now when I think about this, i wonder why would i not tell this friend about the Man, even after him asking about it? So what were my intentions? Were they already flawed? Never know what i was trying to achieve or prove to myself) have not found answers to it yet.
Then while dropping me home this idea pops into his head about sleeping together and finding out that "are we each other's soul mate? To me it sounds like a fair one, as it would give us clarity and then in life we can move forward; and would not have to hover around this stupidity.
So it's a yes and we get into the room, it starts and I freeze and go dry completely.... like the body tells you sorry not supporting you in this decision. It last for a minute or so, where he is trying hard to put his fingers in and out, feels hilarious. Sadly the moment i saw his instrument something snapped; again no offence as i have witnessed the worst, but it just stopped. So he finished his business and I asked him to get out of the place as i could not breathe.
One thing was clear that this was never going to happen again, and we were sure we would not be indulging into this. i am relived that it is over, so to move no. Just like washing hands as random as that.
Now the most interesting story comes in play... my man meets me after three months, pulls my phone and starts looking at the photos and asks who is this? And so on..... Then looks at the friend's photo and gives me a look. Me being me i cry out loud of the shit I have done.... Think of the day that i will be able to share it with him. But hang on; that chance doesn't come after all. My macho Man, hacks my phone and the next day has a blast on my expense
Yes blown out of proportion. So my Man is burning with anger and what a wrath that he is capable of throwing at; amazes me.... actually what he did was to take off my clothes in the middle of the road and fuck me over and over and over.......
Made sure all my friends knew about it and that i don't have a face to show to anybody. This stripping went on for days to come, he was wallowing in self hurt and pity. Sitting broken down with the pieces of his ego and failure staring at him.The question asked repeatedly was why did you do this, in spite of me loving you so much?, It was a mistake, I had answered from the grave of my thoughts, doing and even my personality.
The five days of rape have broken me down in so many pieces, that i don't even know. Actually some pieces are lost forever now. they are gone and I have no way to bring them back.

I lost everything.....My man, friend, and myself.

married man

I have fallen in love for a married man, yes have made that mistake. Please don't judge me as I have stopped judging myself. 
With a broken marriage and several broken relationships, I was really for past couple of years enjoying myself as a single person. 3 , 4 years of being single did a lot of good on my self esteem. And for the first time I was doing my number without being really bothered about anyone else.

But as I said I lost my heart and soul to a married man. Or rather found myself in a married man's company. And man it hurts, its not the guilt that pinches but its his family and when he mentions about them and the feelings that he has for them.... I don't know how to respond. As he has a great marriage, nothing wrong in it, but then my curious mind begins to wonder what is the man doing with me. Where do I stand? And if you have been in my place fortunately or unfortunately you know what I mean.  This question always comes up and I actually find no answer to it.
It's no that the man does not love you but he also loves his wife...we are supposed to share him... so much for sharing is caring.

  In a day I go through a wide spectrum of emotions, so now you would have understood the rules of the game or this relationship and i.e no call at home, only office time, no call on the holidays and it's the man who can call you as and when he finds it safe for him ( no complains about not calling or silent Skype, which he does even on holiday). So I was talking about emotions, so when the day starts I pray and I am hopeful that he would leave his wife and child and come into my arms(as if I am the most happening women in the world) but I still don't look down on myself and think he will come, so the day starts with his call and Skype session, its a nice morning and then the day goes by talking about work, feelings and our desires....by the time we reach the evening and it's time to say good bye my heart starts to panic and then if by mistake we talk about our wants to be together.... I don't get an answer. I know , I know what can a man say, he has told me very clearly that he can't break anyone's heart and cannot see his daughter unhappy, there are emotions about his wife as well, how does it make me feel? sad, hopeless and alone rather very alone. And then I laugh at the game that the Almighty has decided to play with me. In some moments the man says give me some time and I will come, everything will happen and then I try to tell my over active mind that see leave it to the Almighty and he will sort it out for you. Surrender Surrender... for most of the time in the day it happens and then suddenly it slips away and I start thinking. I feel angry, loved, I want attention, want him to sometimes prove it to me that he loves me more, I feel Horny, I want to make out with him and not stop. Then I wonder why can't we get things the way it is, why some script player has to bring in all the twist and turns.

But helpless as my emotions I shut myself and keep quite. In love with a married man, why he had to be married? Why couldn't  matters be simpler.... probably he makes me feel special and I am also growing old...and sometimes the fear of being alone also creeps in. As I was talking about emotions, I am getting more and more irritated with the situation and my helplessness. I assume that I have been always in control of the situation, but in the presentation situation I have no control at all. I in the truest manner have given the control to the higher power.... which is like giving your car for someone else to drive willingly or unwillingly, while you sit in front with him. Scary ....... So as you would have realized that I have been a little control freak, demanding women, but that's who I am, I am so called  strong women as well, but this relationship is an eye opener for me and `I have realized in the past months the I am actually not strong as I pretended to be for so many years. I am a below average women who actually can't handle her emotions as it is all over the place.

Me and Me.......

आज  फिर मै तनहा हूँ ,
 क्यों ?
क्या ज़िन्दगी  गलत जी ?
क्या मिला मुझे ,
 सिर्फ़  तन्हाई
और अँधेरा 

Life Is Such A Pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like seen everything and done almost everything.......but then life each time surprises us and throws us in a twister. Whenever I have felt like now I am settling down the carpet under my feet is pulled over and sadly I fall down.
And then the rut to get up again and stand, get things going for you and BOOM it happens again.
After so many years life feels like a painful never ending ordeal.

Waiting for a change or I would say make the change......

lost the spark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in the deepest of shit. I have not been able to finish any writing work, no ideas, it's blank. I used to have nice ideas in me, could think of lovely new, smart, fresh ideas; but now I think it is all gone.

Man it is so frustrating point in life, that I have not been able to finish any work, interview went bad, as I did horribly wrong. It has been very disappointing in life, I am 35yr, can't think out of the box, go crazy trying to think; if I let go no thoughts come anyways.

It frustrate's me, I know I had it, not that I haven't done it, but now nothing. No creative spark, no money, I feel like killing myself, which i know will not solve the problem.

I am just cooking and nothing else, where life has come to?

How long will we go like this???????????????????????????????

life felt complete and one day I woke up,

opened my eyes......................

hands were empty, arms were lonely,

eyes were lonely................................

And then I realized life's real face, it was staring back at me.

lonely

I have never thought about life...............

Whatever came my way I took it in my stride, sometimes I fell down, sometimes I got used, sometimes I was taken for a ride; but I always got back and fought hard, played harder, put all my efforts and stood on y on feet.

After 35 yrs of doing this, now I feel cheated by life, my own perception is not the problem, as I thought.

Surprisingly the choices I have made have been all wrong; and thats the reason why I feel the way I feel.

Lonely, yes very lonely, nobody to really connect with, I know everything is momentary, and things change with time; but for me..............................nothing will ever change,

people around me will change, situations will change,

but me being lonely will never change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!