feeling fuzzy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have been feeling fuzzy lately, very weird feeling. Feel stuck, very badly.. the situation doesn't seem to change, every where it feels like walls surrounding me, with no out let.

I always wishfully thought one can never get stuck in a place, there are always doors that we can open and solve the problem .... but what i have witnessed lately is that we sometimes don't want to open those doors, even though we know we will get free from there, we still never muster up so much courage to open the door. The process is what scares us and we keep on living in this anticipation that the door full of solutions will open on its own.

Sadly I don't have to open any doors, all my doors are opened and they are clear, as I have the courage to call a spade a spade and sometimes more, so I don't live to please any one, I say NO when it is required. But the problem is someone close to me, have been living in this wishful belief that one day things will be alright....dreams and only dreams, innocence to some extend... but afterwards it becomes ignorance..... not wanting to deal with the situation head on. He is not one of those who have ever dealt with any thing head on, expect me, that is also because I tend to stand on his head, and he cannot avoid me.

But sometimes I think, does it make me a bad person?

Maybe I am an arrogant and self centered bitch......................................

Mr.M!

Hey,

lately life has been very monotonous and stagnant, even though I have been moving form one place to the other physically, mentally there has been no movement.

I saw Mr. M's photos, and a lot reminded of my situation, or I should say I could relate to so many of them.

I loved the "lost tea series"; it reminded me of the things I had lost, the way things around me had changed. If the hand felt like the survival of a lost soul, the feet were the clear perspective of the world after the storm.

Mr.M you are doing a fantastic job, making lots of connections with the lost souls and the lost world.

Looking forward to see more...................................................

emptiness

feel dumb

I look weird, I am 34 plus, what have I been doing all my life? I know it is a stupid question?

Is it? Do I miss myself? Who am I? Have we really found wt we have been looking for and what r we looking for?

remembering the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was same time of the year, diwali, but it was some years back, looks like it was a century back, the air was chilly and the there was some kind of strange sweetness in the air, every where I looked I saw maroon wave, in the evening it became starry white, we looked like angels in universe, with little lamps ever where, it was the most beautiful time of my life.

It seemed like the time had stood still, everything around the universe was moving, but I was still, and my master was with me holding my hand. Hand in hand we walked together, that walk was the walk of my life, where everything got cleansed, all my demons cleared, all I felt was rush of happiness and joy which I could not even hold, all I could do was to express it through tears. I had never felt this lite in my life, it felt like I was floating in the air, the feeling of being levitated. nothing bothered me, it didn't matter whether I was rich or poor, or where I stood in my career, nothing mattered. It was the ultimate bliss one feels, nothing around you mattered.

muje aaj kaal kuch samaj nahi aata

i love my soul mate, soul mate does not mean that things should be the same with us, they are definitely not the same, we don't have lots of things in common, but we appreciate each other and respect things. The friction starts when we don't stay connected, the moment connection breaks, we go our own ways, throwing negative emotions at each other.

Does our love become less? i don't think so, we come back stronger and more involved. i love this man and I have no doubts abt it, some days are full of double rainbows, some days are cold and wet, but mostly we try to stay afloat from all the negativities.

That's how the modern love story goes..............................................................................

me and the feeling of no-thingness

i am 34 yrs old, when i look back, what do i see?

Nothing.... actually nothing, it is not about what you have achieved in life, what you have gained? it sounds like you are talking about a business, is life a deal? How much you have done or not done? Does it count? I have heared from people that do good Karma, don't do bad karma. who actually sees how good am i really doing?

You and your conscious? That is absolutely crap, nothing matters to people, they live in there own world of do's and don'ts. At the end of the day we are doing good karma, because we don't want anything bad to happen to us, if that was not the case; then things around us, or rather people around us would be different. We all live in a lie, scared of things turning against us. So are we really living? true to our nature? Everything around us is false.

Past couple of days,I have been noticing that i am standing outside the circle, specially today when I was walking down the stayres of the studio, I saw that there was some one else, going down the stairs not me, it was a very lucid feeling, it did not last for a long time, but I know it was there.

For past few days I feel I am going back to my Osho days the days of living on the edge and witnessing everything from outside, but a time came I got caught up in life's very mundane things, or was just trying to be different and very egoistic. I n when own ego I dug my grave, now I understand what Osho always say, ego is death.

But now I am again feeling that I have come back to my guru, had gone on a wrong path and have now comeback. Everyday feels like I am living in trans.........................nothing is for real, sometime I check my feet, wondering if they are on ground or not. I know my inner cleansing process has begun.

this morning

this morning is not different than any, but some how today I feel is the day that I will finally be abe to decide which shloka I want to get a tattoo of, be wanting to do something for my hand but not been able to decide. But today is going to be the day.

Why amI getting another tattoo, i already have five of them? I think being on the skin might remind me why i am here for, sure there has to be a greatre reason for my being, I want to do jus live and die, I want to understand y, as well. The tattoo as like meditation, and small small enlightment which keeps on happening, to remind u of who u are or why u are there. Wt stays with you, and what disapperes.

So today is the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iam a mother of a yr and a half old boy, wonder why "he" as aperson came in to our lives, cud be that v hav past life connection, or cud be that there is no reason behind all these things and I am jus breaking my head. but jus think abt it we meet people and with some people v gel so well and some jus come into our lives and then fade away, then they are couple of those who remain with us through out our lives. We share our love, happiness, sorrow, fights, dreams, everything with them, there has to be some connection of our past life with them they we love them so much.

my journey

Never done this before, but I think it is time to do so. Share what is in side me, or share wts going on in my head. this time i wont care abt wrong and right, i have promised my self I will let my hair down. stop being understanding for my sake.

it is a journey for me.......................................