lost the spark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in the deepest of shit. I have not been able to finish any writing work, no ideas, it's blank. I used to have nice ideas in me, could think of lovely new, smart, fresh ideas; but now I think it is all gone.

Man it is so frustrating point in life, that I have not been able to finish any work, interview went bad, as I did horribly wrong. It has been very disappointing in life, I am 35yr, can't think out of the box, go crazy trying to think; if I let go no thoughts come anyways.

It frustrate's me, I know I had it, not that I haven't done it, but now nothing. No creative spark, no money, I feel like killing myself, which i know will not solve the problem.

I am just cooking and nothing else, where life has come to?

How long will we go like this???????????????????????????????

life felt complete and one day I woke up,

opened my eyes......................

hands were empty, arms were lonely,

eyes were lonely................................

And then I realized life's real face, it was staring back at me.

lonely

I have never thought about life...............

Whatever came my way I took it in my stride, sometimes I fell down, sometimes I got used, sometimes I was taken for a ride; but I always got back and fought hard, played harder, put all my efforts and stood on y on feet.

After 35 yrs of doing this, now I feel cheated by life, my own perception is not the problem, as I thought.

Surprisingly the choices I have made have been all wrong; and thats the reason why I feel the way I feel.

Lonely, yes very lonely, nobody to really connect with, I know everything is momentary, and things change with time; but for me..............................nothing will ever change,

people around me will change, situations will change,

but me being lonely will never change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who are we???????????????????

who are we?

How many of us can answer that ? I mean really find an answer?

I have been searching for that answer and going on with it............................

Red books, heard the so called gurus...but ................. no answer.

What are we doing? And why are we doing things that we do? To get satisfaction? or because we like doing things..................it can't be that simple? I doubt...

People look happy, are they really happy? Everything is deception, everything around us is false, an illusion, whether you live in New York or in the remotest part of the country, who are we and where are we going?

Think about it, and if you have found your answer please share it.

Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just noticed that there was ME and not I, most of the time had problems with" I" in life, and suddenly there was no I, it surprised me and made me ponder about how can one even live without it? Won't one miss it? It's been part of my life for such a long time and dropping it, just like that, didn't look very good? At least it deserved my last good bye.

There something which kept telling me it's a set up, "I" can't go so easily from anyones system.

I knew one thing that if I tried harder, I will get stuck .

Now Ia really stuck..................................

awake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

being awake can be because I am not getting any sleep, simple, I know, but a I really awake, awake means consciousness, am I ?

"Are you?" I ask myself again, but don't get any answer. Because there is no answer,

I know the feeling of being awake, when I was in the ashram, yes I know I was alive, full of life. But now things are slipping from my hand, it is like catching sand in your fist, can we really make any feeling. I remember Mohan Rakesh's "Shayad"; the man keeps telling his wife, no feeling holds an impression in mind or heart, it entertain's you only for some time, say may be an hour or so, but there is nothing which makes one feels complete.

life at this point looks and feels like "Shayad"; there is nothing which is flowing in life, no complains, no regrets, but there is a but in life.

 hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle         bohot  nikle  mere  armaaN  lekin  fir  bhee  kam  nikle

nikalna KHuld se aadam ka sunte aayaiN haiN lekin

        bohot  be_aabru hokar tere  kooche  se  ham nikle